A Word To The
Wives
by Ellen Kingsley
When Jessica met Josh it was love at first
sight. He was affable, fun and outgoing, not to mention darkly handsome and
athletic. When he told her about his ADD, it didn't faze her. "He was
succeeding in law school," she says. "His ADD didn't seem to have
much of an impact on him or on anything he did."
But Jessica soon would feel ADD's impact on their marriage.
That's because Josh's style of coping with
ADD was to stay strictly organized and create a rigid structure for his life.
From his desktop to his sock drawer, everything had to be in order and in
place. "He had to have his keys in a certain place," Jessica says.
"If I messed with them, he freaked out."
He was the same way about their bank
account. "Before each month began, everything had to be budgeted and
accounted for. I had to know exactly how much I had to spend on what each
month. Otherwise he'd be anxious and upset."
Jessica, a 30-something professional used
to her independence, found the money part especially difficult to swallow.
"If something popped up and got us off track, he couldn't handle it,"
she says. "It got to the point where if I got a $50 traffic ticket, I was
afraid to tell him about it."
If something didn't change, their marriage
would be in jeopardy. So says Lynn Weiss, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and
expert on ADD in relationships. "Women often find that ADD guys are great
to date because they're active, fun to be around, joyful and outgoing,"
says Weiss. "But when you get to the point of running a household and
running a life, it's a totally different story."
"The differences between men and
women are exacerbated when the man has ADD," says Weiss. If you agree with
Weiss's premise that women tend to personalize more often, and that men tend to
be more detached emotionally, you can understand what she means. If the husband
acts a certain way that seems to speak of his
detachment (say, forgetting the time and showing up late to meet her at the
movies) the wife may feel he doesn't care enough about her. When ADD is
involved, such scenarios take place more frequently.
Dealing With The
Un-huh Scenario
The wife says, "Honey will you take out the trash?" and the ADD
husband responds "Uh-huh." Three hours later the trash is still
sitting there. The wife personalizes: "He's being oppositional," or
"He never listens to me," and that makes her angry. A fight ensues.
It will be the first of many.
"Wives of ADD men need to understand
that the husband's level of attention to task is extremely shallow," says
Weiss. "He is not behaving that way on purpose. But once she starts
personalizing his behavior, the marriage is in trouble."
To emerge from the troubling Uh-Huh
Scenario trap, the wife first has to understand what the issue is: difficulty
focusing and staying on task are hallmark symptoms of ADD. Accepting this fact
of life, she then needs to frame her request in a way that penetrates at a deep
enough level to be implemented. Weiss suggests a four-step strategy:
Touch your husband when you make the
request. People with ADD
receive information more readily and thoroughly when several senses are
engaged.
Make eye contact with your husband, and
engage him conversationally. Tell him, "Thanks, I really appreciate your taking out the
trash." Wait for him to respond.
Give him a time limit. Say, "I will feel better if you take
out the trash by
Remind him again if need be. He may need you to do so.
Weiss notes that many women bridle at such
advice, suggesting it's easier to take out the trash themselves
or that such studied interactions are "like raising another child." Big mistake.
"If the strategy is framed in a
condescending way there will be secondary problems," Weiss says. "The
wife has to understand that if she views listening or organization or follow
through as more mature behaviors, the marriage will suffer."
In short, don't judge moralistically your
husband's ADD behavior. Be responsible for your part of the equation. This is
the man you loved enough to marry. You owe it to both of you to learn about ADD
and develop the tools to work together.
The Controlling-Highly Structured Scenario
Jessica's description of her husband's "freaking out" over
out-of-place keys or out-of-budget items speaks to his intense anxiety over
losing control of his world. People with ADD, whose internal ability to remain
organized and in control of their universe may be lacking, often cope by
creating a highly structured environment for themselves.
"They truly feel that if they lose
one thing, the whole thing falls apart," Weiss says. And non-ADD people
need to respect that.
Then again, a marriage consists of two
people, who must work together as a team. A few helpful tips:
FOR HER: Don't touch his stuff. Each spouse should have separate
areas for work or personal items. . If it bothers the ADD spouse to have his
things rearranged or somehow lose control of them, then try not to touch them.
"She really shouldn't be at his desk," says Weiss
FOR HIM: Own your behavior. He needs to realize that his
over-controlling, over-structured habits are compensatory and that angry acting
out is not fair or acceptable. It helps to develop a self-deprecating sense of
humor about it too (e.g., "If I didn't have my head screwed on, I'd
probably lose it too.") Over- controlling types can be very hard to live
with, but a husband's personal insight and good humor will make his wife feel a
lot better.
The Non-Goal Directed Behavior Scenario
Imagine it's Saturday and you have seven tasks to
accomplish. They have to be done by six because the movie starts at
Got that straight? Not if you've got ADD.
People with ADD have a different clock
system, and it doesn't tick to standard time. "People with ADD live in the
process," says Lynn Weiss. "The task defines the time."
If that concept is hard to imagine, here's
an example. Your husband walked the dog, alright, but now it's time to mow the
lawn. About halfway through the task, the mower runs out of gas. Off he goes in
the car to the gas station.
While there, he sees an old MG much like
the one he had in college. The station owner comes out and the two chew the fat
over how much better cars used to be. The MG owner shows up and joins the
conversation, then asks your husband if he'd like to take a ride. When your
husband turns up at home nearly four hours later, the lawn isn't mowed, the groceries
aren't done, and he forgot to get the gas.
The critic might berate him with:
"You don't have your priorities straight," but scolding would be
pointless. People with ADD have little sense of time and limited ability to
prioritize. To function according to everyone else's watch, they need your
compassion, assistance and practice, practice, practice.
"Without scolding, they need to be
aware together that time and prioritizing are a
problem," says Weiss. Which means he has to ask for your
help. Here are some strategies you can try.
Agree to check in with each other
periodically say, at
Prioritize mid-stream. If by
Don't get angry. Get busy. Your ADD spouse is doing the
best he can, and you can help him do better by working with him as a team. At
first it may seem like a lot of work on your part, but once he becomes
habituated to the routine he will train himself to better plan and carry out
his tasks.
Reinforce the routine. Routines are not natural and need to be
reinforced periodically. Once habituated, your spouse may lapse back into old
patterns. Agree at the outset to re-establish your routine of checking in and
re-prioritizing if this happens.
Take responsibility for yourself, not your
spouse. If you remain
detached, objective, and accepting, you'll be less angry in the end, Weiss
believes.
Indeed, Lynn Weiss has walked the walk.
Not only does she have ADD. She married a man who has it.
In fact, she's especially proud of the way
she learned to deal with her husband's chronic lateness, which used to drive
her up a wall. "He'd show up late to leave the house for our son's
football game, and then we'd have to stop on the way because he'd forgotten to
eat and want to stop for food along the way."
Her solution: "I learned to go places
separately " she says. A
I disconnected myself from his inability to be on time by going places myself
and arranging to meet him there. I found I disliked him a lot less if I didn't
have to be late too."
The lesson: if she couldn't have an affect
on him, she could at least minimize his ADD's impact
on herself and their relationship. "ADD couples are most successful when
the husband works on himself, and the wife works on herself. It helps them work
better together."
Jessica, now expecting the couple's first
child in a matter of weeks, couldn't agree more. "Rather than try to keep
up with his frenetic pace, I've learned to do my own thing," she says.
"He's beginning to understand that he overestimates what he can accomplish
in a given day. And we've agreed that when we drive somewhere together, I'm the
one who drives because he's a nervous, aggressive driver."
In short, Josh has begun to own his behavior, and Jessica to accept his ADD. "It's all about acceptance, compromise and negotiation," she says. "But it's mostly about clear and honest communication. If we don't let the little things build up, then the negative feelings don't persist."